It’s been five days. I had to retreat. I had to blast Leonard Cohen & remember my & our humanity. I had to write. I had to focus on my family. I had to be outside a lot. I had to go to clinic & ask every single patient who entered my room, “How is your heart handling this?” & I had to be grounded enough & strong enough & soft enough to hear the answers.
I had to cry. I have never cried at an election result before, but this one felt different. This one felt personal. It felt like a punch in all of my tender places. It felt like a giant “fuck you” to all of the values & morals I hold dear. It felt like more than ten steps back - it felt like a million steps back & down & deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep into the wounds.
My heart has been aching for everyone, everyone, everyone - Women, Blacks, Muslims, Mexicans, my LGBTQ family, People with Special Needs, Children. Oh, the children. I have spent hours & hours thinking of the children & what this means for them. All of it has torn me open in ways I could not have predicted. I did not consider, for even a second, during the electoral campaign, that Trump had a chance of winning. It seemed completely implausible that someone who launched his campaign with the words, “I’m going to build a wall…”, that someone who was officially endorsed by the the ultimate hate group, the KKK, could ever, ever win in 2016.
How wrong I was.
Every morning, when I wake up, I remember that he won & I feel nauseous all over again. His winning means that all of his rhetoric won too. His winning means that all of the poison he spewed over all of the people won too. His winning means that Mexicans are rapists & women’s pussies just want to be grabbed. His winning means that a man can be accused of multiple cases of sexual assault & go on to become the President of the USA. His winning teaches our kids to be bullies because bullies shit all over everyone & come out on top. His winning has rattled me to my core & literally, physically, made me sick.
I know, now, how naive I have been. I know, now, that there are huge pockets of society that are so disenfranchised & that feel so forgotten about that Trump’s message sounded like “hope” to them. I know, now more than ever, that my privilege makes me blind to the suffering of so so so so so SO many of my fellow human beings. I know, too, that there is more hate in this world than I have ever been willing to admit to myself before. I am embarrassed at my rose-tinted view of the world & I am embarrassed at my shock over this result. But I am grateful too. I’m grateful for the personal & collective growth that has come, & will continue to come, from this experience & I’m grateful for the solidarity, the compassion, the shared heartache, the sisterhood & the rising that is now upon us.
I know that Love wins. I know that Love always wins, even if She has to take a few detours & suffer a few really bad blows along the way. I will continue to know this. I will continue to live my life in a way that honours this knowing. I will continue to love really, really big & if this sort of love bothers you, troubles you, irritates you, makes you roll your eyes, makes you say, “she’s too sensitive,” I kindly & respectfully ask that you unfollow, unfriend & move on in your own direction (& I will love you still).
I am not going to apologize for my Big Feelings about this, or about anything, anymore. I am not going to force myself into silence because the noise I make, or the tears I cry, or the words I write annoy you. Be annoyed, be rattled, be cynical. I WILL LOVE BIGGER STILL. That’s what I was born to do.
I hope you are all hanging in there during these difficult times. I hope you are all self-caring in profound & radical ways. I hope you are all finding the people who make you feel heard & safe - & if you are not, know that I am here. Seriously. Reach out. We’ll text & talk & meet & have tea & hug & laugh & cry & question everything & sit on the ground & know that we are held by our Mama Earth & fall in love with the broken world again. And we will heal in ways we have never healed before.
There will be more love, friends. There will be more love than we have ever experienced before this moment. This is why we are here - to feel this, to live this, to be the ones who answer the call to Love. Do not doubt, for a single, moment, that this is why we are here.
“I’ve seen your flag on the marble arch, but love is not a victory march - it’s a cold & it’s a broken Hallelujah…”
Let’s not give up on each other. Let’s not give up on each other. Let’s not give up on each other. Let’s not give up on each other. Let’s not give up on each other. Let’s not give up on each other. Let’s not give up on each other. Let’s not give up on each other. Let’s not give up on each other. Let’s not give up on each other. Let’s not give up on each other. Let’s not give up on each other. Amen.